Dear Wild Heart,
I had ran away from home the year before to escape the toxic home situation with my step father and mother.
I had left as I couldn’t continue another minute.
They did finally divorce, and we put our lives back together.
I had one strategy. I slammed the door on my childhood. I looked forward, and I was determined to be ok - I had lived through it, why go over it ever again.
And I kind of was ok...
Until I wasn’t.
20 years later my unconscious strategies begun to fall apart... In my young brain I had adopted many layers of coping mechanisms, best summed up in 3 concepts, emotional bypassing, people pleasing and disassociation.
Illness, exhaustion, brain fog, aches and pains, weight gain, hypothyroidism.
My body said “no”.
These last years I’ve been loved and held in my healing. I am so grateful.
I’ve had the most incredible support, unconditional love, friendships to die for, a husband who knows and loves me, the most compassionate and loving children imaginable.
Days like today...
Somedays I’m emotionally hijacked. Somehow whipped through time and space to the feeling in that 17 year old girl....
I just feel so bad inside, rotten to the core, wrong. An old wound activated, not real. I feel chocked, immobilised. I can’t function, speak or act... it’s overwhelming. It does not belong to this time and space.
Breath. Feel the feeling, look into the shadows, let the light in. Love her, care for her.
I’ve been seeing an amazing therapist, trained in, among other things, the Gabor Mate method. This has been transformative & healing.
This has literally have saved our lives.... and I’m definitely feeling like I’m in the driving seat, not unhelpful outdated strategies or mindless triggers.
And I have essential oils a plenty to sniff, one drop at a time, one thought at a time.